New Way to be Human

Nov. 18 2004, my Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer. I started this blog to chronicle her journey. July 19, 2005 she gave her life in the battle. This blog is my place to process through the journey I walked along with her, and now my journey through grief. It's also a place to discuss the effects cancer has on the lives it touches--survivors and caregivers alike. I'm a Navy wife, a Mom, and my mother's daughter now and forever.

Saturday, April 29, 2006


When we went over to our friends' house today, he was doing a bit better. He is the one we are most worried about at present. I don't have staging info on my uncle etc, but it sounds like he will be able to fight pretty solidly. It's our friend and the road that he and his wife are walking that makes my heart weep.

Today though, was a little better for him. And I'm glad. I hope he has some rally left in him.

I still do hope. I still do have it. I have to.

Friday, April 28, 2006


My uncle was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The mean kind. I found out yesterday. He's already beaten Non-hodgkins Lymphoma. Now this?

And.... I fear that our dear, dear friend here in WA is near the end of his battle.

I don't feel strong enough to do this anymore. I want to support him and his wife, and I am doing the best I can to do so, but it hurts so badly. I just see all the pain before... I see faces and wonder in disbelief if another vibrant, giving, beautiful, unique life is about to gone from this earth again.

This isn't fair. This is unreal. This has to stop.

I can't do it anymore. I know that's selfish. It's happening to all these other people.

I don't want it for them either. Leave the people that we love alone!!!!

Monday, April 24, 2006

In regards to my last post

I said, "Please believe you can, and beat it." I want to go on the record as saying I do NOT mean that "attitude is everything" and "if you just have a positive attitude, you can beat cancer." That's bunk. That's hogwash. That's a guilt-addicted societies subtle way of placing blame on people battling a deadly disease. I apologize for my poorly chosen words.

What I DO mean is this: Seeing the losses I've seen devestates me. It makes me want to lose hope--in the beatability of cancer, in medical advances, sometimes (only sometimes) in the goodness of life. I can't imagine how it would be to be the one with the diagnosis of cancer and witnessing losses.

There is hope... there must be. And each person that continues to survive in the war against this beast is a beacon to me and to others that hope is still alive. For this, I thank you.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

It doesn't end.

We're back in WA. I'm back online. I haven't posted here because I haven't known what to say. Cancer has... ravaged more lives in just the few weeks we've been here. My grief has taken on even more shades. I'm trying to relearn how to live in my own house with my husband. Life is good, and hard, and sad, and tiring.

I was very saddened and shocked to see that Amanda of . it's not just an astrological sign anymore
lost her husband. I just can't even imagine...

Soon after my Dad returned he called to tell me that our dear family friend, Larry, had been diagnosed with a Stage IV cancer of some type. They were still working to identify the primary. It was determined that he had kidney cancer and surgery was an option so that was scheduled for Good Friday.

I will spare you all the details, but Larry died in surgery. That was a blow to me and to many. Larry and his wife, Sarah were our most steadfast friends during Mom's illness. They have been steadfast friends of our whole family for a very long time. It's so unfair. All of this unfolded in less than a month.

This disease is diabolical. I KNOW There are survivors--those of you out there who are reading this. I NEED YOU to beat this. Please believe that you can and do it.

For the first time ever I understand why we, as Christians, say, "Come, Lord Jesus." The hurt, the wrongness, the destruction, the unimaginable unfairness must end. And that is the only way I believe that it will.