It's a day of a little self-pity, a little despair, and one horrible nightmare.
As I went to sleep last night, I was thinking about how on the one hand, it was really no big deal that pastor-guy hadn't shown up... I could logically understand it. I know he is busy. I know he is human. No big deal. But it seemed like deep in the recesses of me I had this feeling of, "It was damn hard even jumping out on that limb... and now it's been cut away??" and also some feelings that maybe I am not meant to have support right now. Maybe right now is my season to muddle through darkness alone. I really don't like that thought, but if that is what the season is, I guess I will eventually learn to accept it. (Though I do note that there are a few people, most notably my dear friend, Becca, who will and do help carry the burden. And I AM grateful.)
So I don't know if my thoughts along those lines contributed to the nightmare I had this morning, or if it came straight from the cold I'm fighting... but it was a doozy.
I'll spare you the gory details, but essentially Mom was alive, but sick. It was this time of year. Someone had put up the Christmas tree without me and I was FURIOUS because I knew this would be my LAST Christmas tree with Mom. I ripped down the Christmas tree and ran to my room to cry, and while there was confronted with an evil woman. I knew if I destroyed this evil woman Mom would live and my husband would not have to go to scary places, so I clawed at her, and spoke words that were supposed to make her go away and indeed she was destroyed (incidentally... Somehow or another she was made into ginger-snap cookies... mildly comical I suppose).
I woke up, gasping, and frightened, and did the typical mental assessment to be sure that the nightmare would not be true. I thought of Carolyn and smiled and my brain said, "Everything is ok." Then, through the fog, I thought some more and realized with horror that in my nightmare
Mom was alive, I was going into the holiday season with her, and husband was going to be in safe places (after all, I had destroyed the evil woman). In my real life
Mom is dead, I am facing a holiday season without Mom that looks more and more complicated, sad, and lonely, and my husband IS going to scary places.
It was horrible. Real life is supposed to be better than your nightmares.... But today my real life is decidedly worse than my nightmare.
I was so stunned and weepy after the nightmare that it took me a bit more gumption to get out of bed and decide that I wanted to go ahead and get ready to go to the Mommy Group that I've been looking forward to attending all week. So I started to get ready, and my darling girl BURST into tears because in order to get a shower I had to leave her in her swing... And she stayed hysterical for the whole rest of the morning making it impossible to get either of us ready to go... So... Here I am blogging instead. This seemed just insult to injury. The whole week has been like that. I was SO looking forward to this week. Monday I started a new Bible Study, Wednesday I was going to go out with Becca and her husband, Yesterday I was supposed to meet with pastor-guy, and today I was going to go to Mommy group. All of these things made me HAPPY to think about.
The Bible Study was disappointing (I'll give it 3 more tries, but the first visit was disappointing), Wednesday I got terribly sick with a cold and wasn't able to go out with Becca and her husband, Thursday pastor-guy didn't show, and today I can't do Mommy group. All VERY small things.... But in the context of really struggling and being DESPERATE right now for things to go right it just seems so awful.
Please don't lecture me about counting my blessing. I am. I do. Every day. Every day I try to go to sleep more Grateful about things in my life than sad. Every second I am trying to see the brighter things. Every moment I am trying so hard to maintain blasted perpective.
But Right now I just feel like wailing that "IT's NOT FAIR!!!!!!" Nightmares shouldn't be better than reality. My husband should be here with me. My mother should never have gotten cancer. I shouldn't have to feel SO alone. And I should be able to have good, fun things happen in my life without it being a fluke or mistake of nature.
There is one more hope... I've been looking forward to a wedding that I'm going to this weekend for Months... I am excited. But Now I am terrified that I won't be able to go or it will end up being horrible.
So I know that overall, this shows far more pessimism that even my normal posts here. I know it sounds like a colassal whine. But I think I am entitled a few of those now and again. Perspective, and gratefulness, and the cultivating of joy even while I feel sorrow will be back soon.
For right now I'm just going to be angry and sad and pitiful.