Fear
One of the emotions I didn't expect to see in the grief literature I've read was 'fear,' but I find that I do indeed have it.
Since Mom died... Actually since Mom got sick, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I worry about something happening to Carolyn, or something happening to me and what that would mean for Carolyn. I worry about Dad every time he has a cough or a sniffle. I worry about natural and unnatural disasters. And of course I worry about my husband.
Changes are afoot for him so I feel fear especially strongly tonight.
When I am trying to make myself snap out of my funks I often say "It could be worse. So many others have it worse." But what follows sometimes is: What if worse happens?
I'm not sitting around cowering, or out building a bomb shelter or anything.
But I would be lying if I said that I was exempt from this 'fear' emotion.
I must admit it's not one of my favorites.
Since Mom died... Actually since Mom got sick, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I worry about something happening to Carolyn, or something happening to me and what that would mean for Carolyn. I worry about Dad every time he has a cough or a sniffle. I worry about natural and unnatural disasters. And of course I worry about my husband.
Changes are afoot for him so I feel fear especially strongly tonight.
When I am trying to make myself snap out of my funks I often say "It could be worse. So many others have it worse." But what follows sometimes is: What if worse happens?
I'm not sitting around cowering, or out building a bomb shelter or anything.
But I would be lying if I said that I was exempt from this 'fear' emotion.
I must admit it's not one of my favorites.
posted by Val @ 9:40 PM
3 Comments:
At 6:40 AM,
Minerva said…
It is vile isn't it? That awful feeling at the pit of one's stomach. But the thing to remember is that that is the definition of true courage - being afraid and carrying on...
Thinking of you, and I love your honesty,
Minerva
At 10:11 AM,
amanda said…
I can't say that I know how you feel, 'cause this is different for all of us, but Eric and I have often wondered if we will ever be able to just let go and be happy and carefree ever again. It's a new, weird, and unwanted perspective, but we're stuck with it.
At 7:01 PM,
Red said…
I am truly sorry that you are feeling this. It is one of the things I deal with on an everyday basis. I fear something, always and sometimes I do avoid going anywhere or doing things because of it. It does prove that we are all human, but it hurts and its more than scary. You, doing what you do, being so strong, makes you a greater and more powerful person in heart and spirit.
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