My Loss Isn't Big Enough?
I went to a Grief Recovery group tonight. I was anxious about it. I was afraid it was going to be really 'Come to Jesus-y' and that I would feel that people's pain was being exploited for the purpose of 'winning people to the church.' I guess the up side of the evening was that didn't happen.
I struggle with not feeling like I have a right to feel my emotions. I struggle with thinking "well it could be so much worse, so why am I being so down and whiny about this?" In some ways it's a technique to get out of feeling what is hard.
But tonight, I went to this group hoping to find some company in the process of my grief. Hoping for some guidance and support.
What I came out with was a feeling of invisibility and the subtle message that my loss wasn't big enough to be worthy of needing a grief support group.
I've never deluded myself into thinking that losing my Mom holds a candle to the pain of losing a child or a spouse. I am fully aware that both of those losses must be truly, truly crushing.
I found myself tonight though, longing for some validation in my own loss. Longing to know that I wasn't the only one who felt a gaping hole in her life after her parent died. Longing to know that I wasn't the only one who didn't just 'get over it and go on' as the world seems to demand.
Instead I watched a video and was left out of discussion that centered mostly around the loss of a spouse. I was the only person there who hadn't lost a spouse. I struggled from the get go with all of the things I mentioned above--feeling unworthy of feeling my feelings because the circumstances in my life weren't as big as others'.
The message that I heard loud and clear (whether it was intended or not) was this: It is NOT the natural order of things to lose a spouse or a child, so you will feel awful about that and have a right to. It is the natural order of things to lose a parent so get over it.
I felt invisible. The facilitators facilitated around me. Why wouldn't they? They lost spouses themselves. That was common ground that they had with everyone.
But what about my loss? It might not have been as big, but it was big. It left me feeling big things. It left me with big grief. My loss WAS big. I lost my MOM. The woman who shared her body with me for 9/10 months. The woman who taught me how to be a woman. The woman who was supposed to be here to help me through being a Mommy myself. I lost her just as I was starting to get to know her as a person and not just as a parental entity. Maybe it was the natural order of things, but it didn't seem natural to me. It seemed like one of the largest chunks of my world--one of my stabilizers--fell away beneath me, and I'm still not sure how to stand up without it.
It was also suggested that because those of us who had lost our loved ones to terminal diseases had time to prepare that our experience was easier. That it was still hard and we were still unprepared, "But at least we had that time."
And part of me says, "YES. Thank God we had that time."
Another part of me says, "I'm still trying to figure out that time... That wonderful, horrible time. I'm still trying to figure out THAT on top of my grief."
I don't like feeling invisible or invalidated. Especially in places where I go to seek out validation and support.
I struggle with not feeling like I have a right to feel my emotions. I struggle with thinking "well it could be so much worse, so why am I being so down and whiny about this?" In some ways it's a technique to get out of feeling what is hard.
But tonight, I went to this group hoping to find some company in the process of my grief. Hoping for some guidance and support.
What I came out with was a feeling of invisibility and the subtle message that my loss wasn't big enough to be worthy of needing a grief support group.
I've never deluded myself into thinking that losing my Mom holds a candle to the pain of losing a child or a spouse. I am fully aware that both of those losses must be truly, truly crushing.
I found myself tonight though, longing for some validation in my own loss. Longing to know that I wasn't the only one who felt a gaping hole in her life after her parent died. Longing to know that I wasn't the only one who didn't just 'get over it and go on' as the world seems to demand.
Instead I watched a video and was left out of discussion that centered mostly around the loss of a spouse. I was the only person there who hadn't lost a spouse. I struggled from the get go with all of the things I mentioned above--feeling unworthy of feeling my feelings because the circumstances in my life weren't as big as others'.
The message that I heard loud and clear (whether it was intended or not) was this: It is NOT the natural order of things to lose a spouse or a child, so you will feel awful about that and have a right to. It is the natural order of things to lose a parent so get over it.
I felt invisible. The facilitators facilitated around me. Why wouldn't they? They lost spouses themselves. That was common ground that they had with everyone.
But what about my loss? It might not have been as big, but it was big. It left me feeling big things. It left me with big grief. My loss WAS big. I lost my MOM. The woman who shared her body with me for 9/10 months. The woman who taught me how to be a woman. The woman who was supposed to be here to help me through being a Mommy myself. I lost her just as I was starting to get to know her as a person and not just as a parental entity. Maybe it was the natural order of things, but it didn't seem natural to me. It seemed like one of the largest chunks of my world--one of my stabilizers--fell away beneath me, and I'm still not sure how to stand up without it.
It was also suggested that because those of us who had lost our loved ones to terminal diseases had time to prepare that our experience was easier. That it was still hard and we were still unprepared, "But at least we had that time."
And part of me says, "YES. Thank God we had that time."
Another part of me says, "I'm still trying to figure out that time... That wonderful, horrible time. I'm still trying to figure out THAT on top of my grief."
I don't like feeling invisible or invalidated. Especially in places where I go to seek out validation and support.
posted by Val @ 8:35 PM
4 Comments:
At 10:19 AM,
Unknown said…
Certainly it's a big enough loss, and it's compounded by your other circumstances, things that aren't formulaic. It sounds like this may just not be the right group for you.
After terminating a pregnancy due to a genetic abnormality, I went to a pregnancy loss support group. It just so happened that quite a few of the losses in that group had been stillbirths. I was questioning why this terrible thing had happened to me, fearful that I would never have another child, view of God in tatters, etc. The stillbirth moms were dismissive of the prenatal diagnosis moms, saying they would be happy to have any baby rather than lose one as a stillbirth. This was not a good combination. I moved on and found other sources of support. I hope you will find your right place, too.
At 11:03 AM,
rodiemom said…
How dare anyone minimize your loss? Even if your Mom had died at 94 of old age, you would have every right to grieve and reach out for support in your grief. Know that I pray for you and your family daily and that your grief is real. So many people look inward at their pain and refuse to see anyone else's pain for what it is: pain and grief from the loss of a loved one. Your Mom was a gift from God and I am truly sorry that that gift was taken by the evil we call cancer.
At 5:25 PM,
Tracie said…
I am at a loss for words. I hurt for you and want you to know you are validated. I cannot even begin to fathom what you have been through in the past year.
Grieve in every way you need to and know that it is okay and expected.
At 9:20 AM,
Red said…
You know you are in the same company as me. You are perfectly justified in your feelings and they are no less or no more valid than anyone elses. They are yours! and you deserve to feel them and ask for support too.
Post a Comment
<< Home