Mama Drama

I was down in the basement here at Dad's today. I passed by an open Tote box full of textbooks from college. I decided to go see if there was anything worth reminiscing over.

Tucked in amongst the textbooks was a semi-cheesy looking book. I didn't think much of it at first, but then I saw that the title of it was Mama Drama. I picked it up wondering, "Was that book mine? Was it Mom's? Did she get it to figure out HER Mom? Or did Mom give it to me to figure her out?"

I opened the front cover and discovered that she must have sent it to me at college. And it had an inscription that read,

"Val an instruction book--Not that you need it. After all, I'm so easy to get along with!! I love you very much. Mom"

So I lugged the book upstairs. I fear it may become a talisman of sorts. It's hit me in all kinds of strange ways. It was so wonderful and comforting to see the words, "I love you very much. Mom" in her handwriting--her steady, wonderfully Mom handwriting and wit.

It seems like a symbol. A symbol of what I did have, but don't now. A symbol of how wonderfully, frustrating and complicated Mom and Daughter relationships are and my relationship with Mom was. A symbol of how I took her for granted so often just shrugging her off with an "Oh Mom..."

I lost her when I was just starting to get out of the "What does Mom know?" phase and into the, "I better ask Mom" phase... When I was finally interacting with her as an adult to an adult. In the last few years, she had become my first and best confidante and my closest friend. She helped me figure out the world.

And of course she could irritate me faster than anyone on the planet. She knew JUST how to push all the right buttons. And I'm realizing, though maybe it's me idealizing her, that I loved even that. It was how things were 'supposed to be.'

It also made me think about all that I went through with Mom--Being the adoring little girl... The unsure pre-teen, the surly adolescent, the tentative college student (who turned into the college student who was always homesick the last two years), and then the young woman who counted on her Mom to be there to call for help with a recipe or to vent about crazy people, or to discuss West Wing, and then... being the one who helped Mom to the bathroom, and clipped her toenails, and helped her with her water.

It made me wonder how my relationship with Carolyn will mirror what I lived with Mom. How will it compare? Do I REALLY have to go through the surly adolescent years???

All in all, the book makes me feel happy. It makes me remember what a great Mom I had. Make that present tense. Have. She's just not HERE. I never expected that 'Mama Drama' of the last year. If it had to be this way, I'm glad I was able to be with her as much as I was. I'm glad I was able to say I love you out loud and by doing things like rubbing her feet, and laying on her bed and just talking.

I just wish she was here to be easy (or not) to get along with.