Invitation
A few nights ago, after a relatively harmless exchange with Andy, I found myself with my head in my hands.
I was really feeling Mom's death and the hole that's in my life now. I was consumed with sadness over Andy's impending departure. I was feeling all in all bereft.
I sat there like that for a while assessing the pain, probing it like a nasty bruise. I held my breath and named it. "I’m in pain." "I’m alone in my pain. Alone." My soul whispered to Jesus, "Please... Come... Be in my pain. I can’t bear to be alone in it anymore. Come be in my pain. I don’t know what else I’m ready to let you into, but please, Jesus... Be in the pain or else I won’t survive."
It was the longest I'd talked to him in a long time--not because I'm mad at Him and not on speaking terms (I'm not and haven't been), but because it hurts to talk to Him. Lately I'm content just knowing He's with me. I acknowledge that and go on. That might make me something akin to a heathen, but in general I don't mind that.
What followed was the most raw expression of emotion that I've allowed myself... ever...
It's scary to invite Him there. He won't let me smother my pain with chocolate (mmmm... chocolate covered pain), or stay busy and ignore it. He'll make me feel it.
I believe ultimately it will be good, because He is good.
I'm sure there'll be days of consuming chocolate covered pain and partaking of other such coping mechanisms, but the invitation has been issued and I'll be drawn back by grace eventually.
This is one of those posts that I hesitate to push the 'Publish Post' button on. And yet, I think it is right to do so. At the very least it's not wrong. It seems cheap to only share the sanitized version of the story of my grief. It feels misleading too. I get frustrated at the 'shiny-happy' label people try to put on Christianity. If I try to put a 'shiny-happy' face on or offer only a watered-down version of my thoughts, I rob others who might need to know they aren't alone of potential fellowship... and I mislead everyone.
So post I will.
I was really feeling Mom's death and the hole that's in my life now. I was consumed with sadness over Andy's impending departure. I was feeling all in all bereft.
I sat there like that for a while assessing the pain, probing it like a nasty bruise. I held my breath and named it. "I’m in pain." "I’m alone in my pain. Alone." My soul whispered to Jesus, "Please... Come... Be in my pain. I can’t bear to be alone in it anymore. Come be in my pain. I don’t know what else I’m ready to let you into, but please, Jesus... Be in the pain or else I won’t survive."
It was the longest I'd talked to him in a long time--not because I'm mad at Him and not on speaking terms (I'm not and haven't been), but because it hurts to talk to Him. Lately I'm content just knowing He's with me. I acknowledge that and go on. That might make me something akin to a heathen, but in general I don't mind that.
What followed was the most raw expression of emotion that I've allowed myself... ever...
It's scary to invite Him there. He won't let me smother my pain with chocolate (mmmm... chocolate covered pain), or stay busy and ignore it. He'll make me feel it.
I believe ultimately it will be good, because He is good.
I'm sure there'll be days of consuming chocolate covered pain and partaking of other such coping mechanisms, but the invitation has been issued and I'll be drawn back by grace eventually.
This is one of those posts that I hesitate to push the 'Publish Post' button on. And yet, I think it is right to do so. At the very least it's not wrong. It seems cheap to only share the sanitized version of the story of my grief. It feels misleading too. I get frustrated at the 'shiny-happy' label people try to put on Christianity. If I try to put a 'shiny-happy' face on or offer only a watered-down version of my thoughts, I rob others who might need to know they aren't alone of potential fellowship... and I mislead everyone.
So post I will.
posted by Val @ 11:03 PM
2 Comments:
At 6:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
I love you Val
At 2:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
Breast Cancer death
Common Breast Cancer Myths
The first myth pertaining to this disease is that it only affects women.
Second myth that is associated with this disease is that if one has found a lump during an examination, it is cancer.
Third is that it is solely hereditary
The next myth associated with breast cancer is downright ridiculous. Would you believe, that in this day and age, some individuals still think that breast cancer is contagious?
Conversely, some individuals foolishly believe that breast size determines whether or not one gets cancer.
Finally, another myth that is associated with this disease is that it only affects older people. This is not so. Although the chance of getting breast cancer increases with age, women as young as 18 have been diagnosed with the disease.
You can find a number of helpful informative articles on Breast Cancer death at breast-cancer1.com
Breast Cancer death
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