Too Much Perspective
Sometimes, I am totally out of perspective and I allow the things I am dealing with to just look so huge.
Other times, though, I feel like I have TOO MUCH perspective. I guess it goes back to me needing to keep my eyes on my own paper rather than playing the comparison game. Really if this is the comparison game it's a pretty twisted version of it.
I look at what other people are struggling with and minimize my own feelings. Like right now with Mom being gone and us being on the heels of this deployment with Carolyn only five months old--that's hard. I mean, I think that's legitamitly hard. But then I think of a person I know whose husband died in Iraq while she was pregnant with their first child. I think of people who've lost both parents. I think of people who lost their Mom when they were really young. I think of Andy losing his Dad our freshman year of college and how he didn't even get to see Andy get married, and didn't have the chance to even know Carolyn would be on the way. I think of how much harder it would be to lose my husband or my child.
I see all those things and yes I do the thankfulness for the things I have, the time I've had with Mom, and the time I've had and will have with Andy thing, but somehow in my strange little head I get to thinking that along with being thankful I shouldn't feel pain about my own losses and struggles. I allow that to short-circuit my own feelings. Maybe it's a convenient excuse. Maybe it's an over-developed guilt complex. I'm not sure. And I am sure it's not the only thing contributing to my 'stuckness.'
But some days I wish I didn't have so much darned perspective.
Other times, though, I feel like I have TOO MUCH perspective. I guess it goes back to me needing to keep my eyes on my own paper rather than playing the comparison game. Really if this is the comparison game it's a pretty twisted version of it.
I look at what other people are struggling with and minimize my own feelings. Like right now with Mom being gone and us being on the heels of this deployment with Carolyn only five months old--that's hard. I mean, I think that's legitamitly hard. But then I think of a person I know whose husband died in Iraq while she was pregnant with their first child. I think of people who've lost both parents. I think of people who lost their Mom when they were really young. I think of Andy losing his Dad our freshman year of college and how he didn't even get to see Andy get married, and didn't have the chance to even know Carolyn would be on the way. I think of how much harder it would be to lose my husband or my child.
I see all those things and yes I do the thankfulness for the things I have, the time I've had with Mom, and the time I've had and will have with Andy thing, but somehow in my strange little head I get to thinking that along with being thankful I shouldn't feel pain about my own losses and struggles. I allow that to short-circuit my own feelings. Maybe it's a convenient excuse. Maybe it's an over-developed guilt complex. I'm not sure. And I am sure it's not the only thing contributing to my 'stuckness.'
But some days I wish I didn't have so much darned perspective.
posted by Val @ 10:53 AM
1 Comments:
At 3:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
I believe one should never apologize for their pain. there will always be those who have it worse, and those who have it better. another's circumstances have nothing to do with yours, really. while it's good to find things to be greatful for, especially in the midst of trials, it doesn't mean that your pain is not valid. what you are facing with a move and a baby and your loss are very legitimate hardships, and feeling guilty because your situation may not be as bad as someone else's only adds to a full emotional plate. Your spirit deserves healing whether or not your trials are as great as someone else's. I know a man from
Serbia whose story makes my loss on 9/11 look like a golden book story, but it's his story and he deals with it as I do mine. Hang in there!
Karyn
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