I Don't Know How...
I'm not sure I know how to grieve.
I can't figure it out. I don't know how to feel. I feel sad. But I can't seem to do anything about it. I don't cry. I don't talk about it. I blog a little about it.
Mostly I just go through my days like normal. That's worked so well for so long...
But what about *FEELING* this? My Mom just DIED. Why can't I cry? Why don't I cry?
In the last three weeks other people that I know, have lost people close to them. That has hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel those like a stomach punch.
But most of the time I equate the feelings I have about Mom with a casual head nod.
"Yeah. That happened three weeks ago. Sucks."
My emotions feel stuck. They have for a long time. I'm afraid to unstick them, but I think I probably need to.
Is it survival mode? Do I need to still be in that? Andy leaves in three weeks (found out today deployment got moved up... Bleh). Will I not survive if I kick out of survival mode?
I just don't know.
I don't even feel like I can write well because it's all stuck. I feel insecure about every word I put down. The feelings are stuck, so the words are stuck.
Do they have a manual for this? I'd think it was all canned and wrong even if they did.
I can't figure it out. I don't know how to feel. I feel sad. But I can't seem to do anything about it. I don't cry. I don't talk about it. I blog a little about it.
Mostly I just go through my days like normal. That's worked so well for so long...
But what about *FEELING* this? My Mom just DIED. Why can't I cry? Why don't I cry?
In the last three weeks other people that I know, have lost people close to them. That has hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel those like a stomach punch.
But most of the time I equate the feelings I have about Mom with a casual head nod.
"Yeah. That happened three weeks ago. Sucks."
My emotions feel stuck. They have for a long time. I'm afraid to unstick them, but I think I probably need to.
Is it survival mode? Do I need to still be in that? Andy leaves in three weeks (found out today deployment got moved up... Bleh). Will I not survive if I kick out of survival mode?
I just don't know.
I don't even feel like I can write well because it's all stuck. I feel insecure about every word I put down. The feelings are stuck, so the words are stuck.
Do they have a manual for this? I'd think it was all canned and wrong even if they did.
posted by Val @ 5:14 PM
2 Comments:
At 10:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
Val, First of all thank you for your words today, teary I felt so humbled by the grace you show, especially in your own grief.
It will come. I don't know if that encourages you or frightens you, but there is this limbo between death and grief that seems so paralyzing. yes, I'm sure survival mode is a huge part of it, but even after four years I still have this place that refuses to believe the finallity of both my mom's and husband's death. There are days when like you I feel nothing, can write nothing, and wonder if I ever will again. Maybe it's God's way of not overwhelming us with pain. Grief is it's own living entity, and i truly believe I would never have survived it if not for those moments of nothingness. Hang in as best you can, and if you ever need to talk please feel free to email me. I've also found some resources and chats dealing with all the issues you've been blogging about. Most importantly, don't expect a thing from yourself, and don't allow anyone to expect anything from you. You are allowed to be where you are for how ever long you need to be there. Thank God grief has no rules. People would undoubtedly expect us to follow them, then we'd be all guilty when we "failed".
Much love, thanks and peace to you!
Karyn (Stay in touch if you can, it helps to walk with someone who's there).
At 8:44 AM,
Val said…
karyn--
I don't know what to say, but Thank You. It is a comfort to have company on the journey.
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