New Way to be Human

Nov. 18 2004, my Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer. I started this blog to chronicle her journey. July 19, 2005 she gave her life in the battle. This blog is my place to process through the journey I walked along with her, and now my journey through grief. It's also a place to discuss the effects cancer has on the lives it touches--survivors and caregivers alike. I'm a Navy wife, a Mom, and my mother's daughter now and forever.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Still Marching

I had a good old meltdown yesterday. I guess I knew that was coming, but I so didn't want it to. I was tired from traveling to Kansas and back for Andy's grandfather's 90th birthday, and trying to get ready for my aunt to come in... And then I found out Mom was not liking the meals I've been fixing... Plus, I was so busy I didn't get a shower until almost 5 pm.

And let me tell you... There was major crumblage. I cried and cried and cried and yelled... The worst part was, I yelled while Mom was in the room. I didn't Yell at her. I yelled Near her. (There really is a distinction), but I still felt just horrible for doing it...

I wanted a hug from Andy so very badly. I'd have settled for one from anyone that I feel ok being a wreck around, but... those people are few and far between these days... So I mostly just bawled everywhere. I shared my woes with Carolyn, who is a very sympathetic listener. She also tends to think it's kind of funny when Mommy's face is all wet.

I'm better today. It's amazing what a little sleep will do.

We're still waiting on pins and needles to find out if Mom is approved for the Perifosine.... Mom says she cries every time the phone rings. I get antsy myself.

In other news, Carolyn rolled from her front to her back today!!! How fun! She's even putting all of her rolling techniques together to get places. She turns four months today... Gosh time moves fast with a baby!

2 Comments:

  • At 8:20 PM, Blogger Red said…

    I am sorry that you have had a breakdown, but I think you really needed it. You have a lot on your plate and its hard to deal with all of it. Try not to be offended when your mom's tastes arent what they were. Even if she doesnt like your food, she still loves you.

    Cry. Cry to your daughter. Let her know how you are feeling and that you need her love as much as she needs yours. I know the moment of when you are hysterical and your child just finds it hilarious. Been there. In some ways it helps bring back even a small smile, doesnt it?

    I am here for you and I wish I could be there to hold you and give you one of my most famous hugs. Just pretend I am there and I am giving you a great big bear hug for about 10 minutes. (thats what I am told its like. I LOVE giving hugs).

    I am not going to tell you to be strong, you know you have to be. You know you are. And even the strongest people out there have their weaknesses.

    My heart is with you. I love you in my own cyber-crazy way. You can come to me whenever you need to. You have been there for me!
    -Red

     
  • At 7:06 PM, Blogger MacGirl said…

    I love you, my wonderful friend. I am always thinking of you. Please know that.

     

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