So Much to Say
There are so many things I want to blog about tonight... We're back at Mom's. Travels were ok. We came in last night, and Carolyn was delighted to see Grampa and Gramma. She talked and smiled and giggled and cooed and turned on ALL her charm.
Today has been... well, it's been. I've been kind of draggy and a little down, but I think both are to be expected. I feel somewhat discontented and uncomfortable here. Like maybe I don't fit. I was thinking that I would just stay here at my folks', now I'm again toying with the idea of getting an apartment here for a while. I just feel kind of emotionally crowded.
David C. from my lung cancer message board passed away today. He was only 37 and has a beautiful little girl.... This makes me really sad.
Mom will have a doctor's appointment to discuss her latest scans on Monday. I am praying for good news. The way she is talking today, it sounds like if there is not significantly good news, she feels it's best to stop fighting. I'm not sure how to support her here. I want her to know that I DO support her regardless of her decision at this point, but I also want to encourage her to keep fighting, and to help her to know that there is hope. At the same time, I can see how it must seem so futile to fight so hard and still feel so very bad. She said she thinks that it would be easier for me if she lived, but she's not sure what would be easier for Dad. I told her whether she decides to fight or not she needs to make the decision for HER. Incidentally, that was a conversation I never wanted to have, and yet I did have it... calmly and rationally... Sometimes it feels like I'm outside myself watching these things.
Mom has an 'alien mark' on her arm. It's really weird. It's dark red... Like a bruise but nastier. She was told by the nurse at the doctor's office it was just a bruise and not to worry about it. So, she's just decided that the aliens are coming to get her and that they've branded her before hand. ;)
I miss Andy. But I am coping. I think Carolyn misses him too. I know they're not supposed to 'know things' like this... but she knew her daddy instantly when we went back. It only makes sense that she would know that he's NOT here and miss him. But maybe I am just projecting onto her.
So... we march on.
Today has been... well, it's been. I've been kind of draggy and a little down, but I think both are to be expected. I feel somewhat discontented and uncomfortable here. Like maybe I don't fit. I was thinking that I would just stay here at my folks', now I'm again toying with the idea of getting an apartment here for a while. I just feel kind of emotionally crowded.
David C. from my lung cancer message board passed away today. He was only 37 and has a beautiful little girl.... This makes me really sad.
Mom will have a doctor's appointment to discuss her latest scans on Monday. I am praying for good news. The way she is talking today, it sounds like if there is not significantly good news, she feels it's best to stop fighting. I'm not sure how to support her here. I want her to know that I DO support her regardless of her decision at this point, but I also want to encourage her to keep fighting, and to help her to know that there is hope. At the same time, I can see how it must seem so futile to fight so hard and still feel so very bad. She said she thinks that it would be easier for me if she lived, but she's not sure what would be easier for Dad. I told her whether she decides to fight or not she needs to make the decision for HER. Incidentally, that was a conversation I never wanted to have, and yet I did have it... calmly and rationally... Sometimes it feels like I'm outside myself watching these things.
Mom has an 'alien mark' on her arm. It's really weird. It's dark red... Like a bruise but nastier. She was told by the nurse at the doctor's office it was just a bruise and not to worry about it. So, she's just decided that the aliens are coming to get her and that they've branded her before hand. ;)
I miss Andy. But I am coping. I think Carolyn misses him too. I know they're not supposed to 'know things' like this... but she knew her daddy instantly when we went back. It only makes sense that she would know that he's NOT here and miss him. But maybe I am just projecting onto her.
So... we march on.
posted by Val @ 8:32 PM
1 Comments:
At 9:07 PM,
Red said…
Remember, your daughter can feel what you are feeling. make sure she knows that you love her daddy and that her daddy loves her. that she will feel through you. I guarantee it!
As for mom, this is going to be hard for you, maybe even harder than it will be for mom. You have to stand back and let her make decisions for herself and for her life. Hold her hand and tell her that you love her, every day. Let her see that beautiful baby of yours. You are being a wonderful person to her and thats what she needs.
My heart is always with you!
Randi
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