Just Tear Me in Two...

So I go back to Washington on Monday...... I think.

I so badly want to see Andy, and he needs so badly to see his baby girl. We will be packing up the apartment and putting it into storage as well, and I don't want to leave that all on Andy who will, of course, also be working.

But things just feel tentative and crappy here. Mom is in the midst of some really lousy days. She's in pain ALL the time and she's dealing with some nausea as well. The pain meds she's on don't seem to be knocking it down to the degree that she seems to need. She just hasn't felt well at all these last few days.

And then there's Dad.... He went to the doctor yesterday and he needs a colonoscopy, a mammogram (of all things), and they've run some tests due to a tingling sensation and numbness in his legs (they think that is due to his cholesteral medicine). What's going on with my Dad? The thought that he could be sick too just terrifies me. He needs all these tests. I want to be here for him. Some of the tests will wait until I get back...

Mom will start radiation again in a week and a half or so to hopefully again reduce the pain she is feeling in her shoulder. But again there is more busyness.

And then there's just the fact that, though Daddy is trying really hard... He's so scared and angry right now that his tactic is to stay busy. It works for him, but Mom needs someone to just sit with her and talk sometimes.... about scary stuff, and fun stuff, and normal stuff. Daddy seems to be so afraid of stopping his activity that he isn't doing that. I wonder who will tuck the covers in around Mom and sit with her and hold her hand on the nights that the pain is bad while I'm gone...

It's only 2 weeks... but if time is limited, how can I NOT be here?

And yet... I know I need to go. I guess that tells me what to do. The "voice" says 'you need to let your husband see Carolyn once more before the long months without him begin.'

It's just very, very hard. I used to find it comforting that I could only be 1 place at a time. That freed me to stay in the now. But things are so pressing in two parts of the country... If only I could leave part of me here and take the rest to see Andy.

In happier news... Carolyn is trying SO hard to turn over on her own. She's done it once with only a little bit of help. She is also jabbering up a blue streak. I love her little sounds. They sound like bell-songs in the morning.