Streams....
It's the strangest thing... Really, it's a mystery to me.
Things are hard all around right now. There's no hiding that. The burdens and worries I carry at present are heavy loads. It's not easy to say goodbye to one's husband for months at a time, and to know that part of that good-bye comes from MY choice and not just the Navy. It's not easy to be focusing my heart and mind on doing all that I can to love my Mom as she continues in her fight to survive. It's not easy to pack a suitcase, and a small car and move me and C out to live with my folks to help with the day to day there and to squeeze in all the time together we can muster. It's not easy to be a first-time Mama on top of all of that. It's really not.
And somehow... weirdly... in the deep rooted parts of me I can't shake these undercurrents, or streams of... cosmic okness. I feel this peace and joy there. It's this place that I can get to to take a deep breath when I feel suffocated, and where I can take a dip and relax into the cool waters to find some rejuvenation.
I can't figure out how they got there. I'm grateful that they're there. I don't remember really cultivating that part of me... though I guess I have to an extent. I never imagined I would have these strams while standing on these different precipices of my life. But... I find that they are indeed there.
The only thing that I can figure is it's Abba. It's his grace. His love. Carrying me through. That's not to say things don't hurt damn bad a lot of times....
But even then the streams are there.
Things are hard all around right now. There's no hiding that. The burdens and worries I carry at present are heavy loads. It's not easy to say goodbye to one's husband for months at a time, and to know that part of that good-bye comes from MY choice and not just the Navy. It's not easy to be focusing my heart and mind on doing all that I can to love my Mom as she continues in her fight to survive. It's not easy to pack a suitcase, and a small car and move me and C out to live with my folks to help with the day to day there and to squeeze in all the time together we can muster. It's not easy to be a first-time Mama on top of all of that. It's really not.
And somehow... weirdly... in the deep rooted parts of me I can't shake these undercurrents, or streams of... cosmic okness. I feel this peace and joy there. It's this place that I can get to to take a deep breath when I feel suffocated, and where I can take a dip and relax into the cool waters to find some rejuvenation.
I can't figure out how they got there. I'm grateful that they're there. I don't remember really cultivating that part of me... though I guess I have to an extent. I never imagined I would have these strams while standing on these different precipices of my life. But... I find that they are indeed there.
The only thing that I can figure is it's Abba. It's his grace. His love. Carrying me through. That's not to say things don't hurt damn bad a lot of times....
But even then the streams are there.
posted by Val @ 5:14 PM
2 Comments:
At 11:41 AM,
Tracie said…
The Bible NEVER says that God will not give us more than we can handle. He often gives us our life situations that seem impossible because he wants us to look to him for strength to get through them.
At 12:28 PM,
Tracie said…
This is NOT in anyway meant to belittle your feelings but to validate them.
Life is hard. It sucks.
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