She's Just Doing Dishes?
I actually tried to get some housework done today. I've been in a bit of a housework slump. Of course I didn't get the inspiration to get said housework done until Carolyn was very awake and on the verge of fussy.
So I'm doing the one armed Mom thing balancing Carolyn on my hip while putting away dishes and reloading the dishwasher. Carolyn is getting pretty heavy and my arm was getting tired, so I put her down just outside the kitchen door on the carpet.
Now, I set her down in such a way that when she wiggled just a bit her head was in a place that she couldn't see me anymore. All of a sudden she was not in my arms and she couldn't see me. She was frantic. Tears were rolling down her face, she was kicking her little legs, and that horrible little pouty lip wail came on with all of it's heart-tugging power.
I tried to reassure her, "Carolyn honey. Mommy's right here. You maybe can't see me, but I'm right here."
And... I burst into tears. All I could think of was Mom. "I'm right here, Val. You can't see me or touch me anymore, but I'm right here."
Once upon a time I thought I had this afterlife stuff figured out. I used to think I had a lot figured out. Now all I know is that I don't know. But somehow I believe that while I am certain Mom is in the place of no more tears, maybe in some way she is checking in.
But gosh what I wouldn't give to just feel her hold me one more time.
So I'm doing the one armed Mom thing balancing Carolyn on my hip while putting away dishes and reloading the dishwasher. Carolyn is getting pretty heavy and my arm was getting tired, so I put her down just outside the kitchen door on the carpet.
Now, I set her down in such a way that when she wiggled just a bit her head was in a place that she couldn't see me anymore. All of a sudden she was not in my arms and she couldn't see me. She was frantic. Tears were rolling down her face, she was kicking her little legs, and that horrible little pouty lip wail came on with all of it's heart-tugging power.
I tried to reassure her, "Carolyn honey. Mommy's right here. You maybe can't see me, but I'm right here."
And... I burst into tears. All I could think of was Mom. "I'm right here, Val. You can't see me or touch me anymore, but I'm right here."
Once upon a time I thought I had this afterlife stuff figured out. I used to think I had a lot figured out. Now all I know is that I don't know. But somehow I believe that while I am certain Mom is in the place of no more tears, maybe in some way she is checking in.
But gosh what I wouldn't give to just feel her hold me one more time.
posted by Val @ 9:40 PM
3 Comments:
At 1:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
What a beautiful way of looking at it. I too used to think I had this after life thing figured out, and as a result would have peace, at least to some level, when a loved one died. But what I didn't take into account is that while your mom, my husband, and others may be in the place of no more tears, we very much are not. My tears mix with yours. I hope the knowledge that you are not alone helps in some small way.
I can relate to the knife in the heart feeling every time you turn on the news and there is some new story. Jennings, Reeves. It's the same with 9/11. I have yet to go one darn day without some reference to it!
Thinking of you!
Karyn
At 8:58 PM,
Red said…
{{{{HUGS}}}}}
I wish i could give you one in person, but this will have to do.
At 5:40 PM,
Courtney said…
I just found your blog and I was touched. My mom died from a heart attact 5 years ago and I can relate to your pain. Some days I think of little things like that or something will remind me of her and I will cry. I will miss her for the rest of my life. I know my mom is in a better place, but it still is hard on those of us here. Take care and stay strong. Courtney (greenanole.blogspot)
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