Shut-Down Confession.
A few days before Mom died, a friend of mine helped me understand my coping strategies. She very succinctly said, "You cope by shutting down."
Well... I must be full out coping.
Here comes the confession: It's 11:30 p.m. and I'm in my p.js which wouldn't be unusual except that they're the ones I put on last night.
I've done nothing today and I have a sink full of dishes to prove it. Laundry desperately needs to be done, a few other basic clean-up tasks would be helpful. I *might* get some dishes done and do some clothes transfers with the laundry, but I'm not expecting a whole lot else to happen tonight.
I don't know if I should feel guilty for not doing anything, worried about myself slipping into unhealthy habits, or just be gentle with myself and figure this is how I got through *today* and I'll get through tomorrow in tomorrow's way.
In my defense, Carolyn has been very demanding all day long. Maybe it's teething. Maybe it's an earache coming on. Maybe it's a growth spurt. Maybe she senses that Mommy is "off." Whatever it is, every bit of oomph I had was devoted to calming her or playing with her. As for the rest of life, I'm oomphless.
This is a hard place, this spot between Mom's dying and Andy's leaving. I suspect that the spot after Andy's being gone will be even harder. Sometimes I think I'm doing ok. And sometimes I think I'm pathetic.
Eh... we'll get through this.
Well... I must be full out coping.
Here comes the confession: It's 11:30 p.m. and I'm in my p.js which wouldn't be unusual except that they're the ones I put on last night.
I've done nothing today and I have a sink full of dishes to prove it. Laundry desperately needs to be done, a few other basic clean-up tasks would be helpful. I *might* get some dishes done and do some clothes transfers with the laundry, but I'm not expecting a whole lot else to happen tonight.
I don't know if I should feel guilty for not doing anything, worried about myself slipping into unhealthy habits, or just be gentle with myself and figure this is how I got through *today* and I'll get through tomorrow in tomorrow's way.
In my defense, Carolyn has been very demanding all day long. Maybe it's teething. Maybe it's an earache coming on. Maybe it's a growth spurt. Maybe she senses that Mommy is "off." Whatever it is, every bit of oomph I had was devoted to calming her or playing with her. As for the rest of life, I'm oomphless.
This is a hard place, this spot between Mom's dying and Andy's leaving. I suspect that the spot after Andy's being gone will be even harder. Sometimes I think I'm doing ok. And sometimes I think I'm pathetic.
Eh... we'll get through this.
posted by Val @ 11:31 PM
1 Comments:
At 12:36 PM,
Red said…
You are doing fine! Its ok not to do the dishes or the laundry or wear your pj's for 24 or more hours at a time. Right now ona day like this, you need to do the bare necessities. Take care of that baby and make sure she is fine. Your little one is probably starting to teethe. If you can, take a flashlight and shine them at the bottom gums. if they seem transparent then there are no teeth, but you may be suprised to see some non transparent spots. With my J, I didnt know until I got to a point when i couldnt handle him and seriously thought something was wrong with him but didnt know what. The doc was like, 'nope, hes getting his teeth and showed me with his light' And then he told me how to think of them as noahs arc and that they always come in twos.
Youll get your energy back soon enough. Dont put any pressure on yourself. Your doing great!
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