New Way to be Human

Nov. 18 2004, my Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer. I started this blog to chronicle her journey. July 19, 2005 she gave her life in the battle. This blog is my place to process through the journey I walked along with her, and now my journey through grief. It's also a place to discuss the effects cancer has on the lives it touches--survivors and caregivers alike. I'm a Navy wife, a Mom, and my mother's daughter now and forever.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Why I Hate Today

If you want reflective, tie-it-up in a neat little package with a positive spin, then GO AWAY.

I hate today.

A year ago today my Mom died.

A year ago yesterday was my last day with my Mom on this earth. It was the last day I touched her hands while they still had life in them. It was the last time I spoke to her and believed she heard my voice.

At 5:35 a.m. one year ago today my Dad knocked on the door of the bedroom in which I was sleeping, and told me that my Mom was gone. No more Mom. 4 month old baby. 24 year old me. No more Mom. (Now is NOT the time to tell me how much worse it could be).

I hate today.

My husband left today. Now, he's been here for all of the rememberances of the days leading up to this day and that has been good, and I know I shouldn't complain, but he left again on a day when I need him. On a day when I hurt. It's all too familiar. And it sucks.

And true to detachment/deployment form, we have already had our first blow to the family while husband is unreachable. His brother's apartment burned yesterday. He is ok, but he lost everything.

I hate today.

I want my Mom back.

If she can't be back I want my husband to hug me and 'get it.'

And I want whatever force in the universe it is that thinks that it's fun to fuck with our family any time my husband's squadron is away from home to lay the hell off of us!


  • At 10:10 PM, Blogger Hope said…

    People who use f bombs, like me, love having company of others who do too. All that to say I love you and wish I could give you a hug and we could stand there and just say that f word as many times in a row as need be.


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