New Way to be Human

Nov. 18 2004, my Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer. I started this blog to chronicle her journey. July 19, 2005 she gave her life in the battle. This blog is my place to process through the journey I walked along with her, and now my journey through grief. It's also a place to discuss the effects cancer has on the lives it touches--survivors and caregivers alike. I'm a Navy wife, a Mom, and my mother's daughter now and forever.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I never thought I'd write here again. But I feel like this is the place that makes sense tonight.

In a week it will have been 4 years since Mom died.

And tonight that is hitting me especially hard. Tonight, for the first time in a long, long time I am awake reliving it all, and second guessing myself. My memories are skewed. All I have to go on now are the words I wrote then in my haze of emotion and stress and fatigue.

And I hope to God I did ok. I hope to God I helped my Mom. I hope to God I wasn't so self-centered, so self-pitying that I made it worse for her those last few weeks.

I needed to revisit it so I read through the LC board for the posts of that time... I can see how far in over my head I was... But I have no mercy for myself in that. I was a selfish little self-centered brat whining about how my Mom's death was affecting me instead of focusing on her. I hate myself for that right now.

I did the best I could. I know that. But it doesn't feel like enough tonight. I hope my presence was a comfort. I hope she was sure of my love. I hope she forgives me for the mistakes I made. I tried so hard.

And most of all, always...

I miss her so desperately.

1 Comments:

  • At 11:57 AM, Blogger Jen said…

    There is one thing I regret saying/doing during my mom's last few days as well. Honestly, with the mental fog of cancer and death nearby, I don't know how much of that really made it into my mom's awareness anyhow, even though she was conscious at the time. But either way, no one knows us like our moms know us, and they understand, especially now from the other side, how much we were hurting and grieving even before they actually died, and I can assure you that your mom fully knows your love for her and has never once held anything against you. The other side brings with it a wisdom and perspective we don't have here, I think. I know it is hard, trust me, but you need to come to a place where you forgive yourself for your shortcomings. She doesn't fault you, I promise. My thing was that I breaked from sitting by her side day and night in hospice one time to talk with a friend who had lost her mom a year before. I felt so guilty leaving even for a while, but I was going crazy and needed someone to coach me through. When I came back, I told her where I'd been and told her that my friend would make sure I was okay because she had been through it herself, and my mom cried over the fact that my friend and I even needed to share the same pain because it's so damn senseless and sad. I had been trying to comfort her and felt it only made her feel worse. After that, it was all anyone could do to make me leave to use the bathroom. But truly, I know my mom isn't angry that I left her side and is glad I have that friend by my side now. I am the only one punishing myself for something unfounded. I'm sure you were there for her far more than you think you were. But it would have been totally normal for you to have thought about how it was affecting you and not just her. That does not make you selfish. This is a huge, life-altering loss.

    I hope you were able to make it through the actual anniversary day okay. For me, the two weeks leading up to the D-Day are usually worse than the actual day, though sometimes the actual day is pretty unbearable too. It's always two weeks ahead of time, for whatever reason, and I get really irritable and short-tempered and emotional. I am at 4-1/2 years, 5 next Valentine's.

     

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