New Way to be Human

Nov. 18 2004, my Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer. I started this blog to chronicle her journey. July 19, 2005 she gave her life in the battle. This blog is my place to process through the journey I walked along with her, and now my journey through grief. It's also a place to discuss the effects cancer has on the lives it touches--survivors and caregivers alike. I'm a Navy wife, a Mom, and my mother's daughter now and forever.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I never thought I'd write here again. But I feel like this is the place that makes sense tonight.

In a week it will have been 4 years since Mom died.

And tonight that is hitting me especially hard. Tonight, for the first time in a long, long time I am awake reliving it all, and second guessing myself. My memories are skewed. All I have to go on now are the words I wrote then in my haze of emotion and stress and fatigue.

And I hope to God I did ok. I hope to God I helped my Mom. I hope to God I wasn't so self-centered, so self-pitying that I made it worse for her those last few weeks.

I needed to revisit it so I read through the LC board for the posts of that time... I can see how far in over my head I was... But I have no mercy for myself in that. I was a selfish little self-centered brat whining about how my Mom's death was affecting me instead of focusing on her. I hate myself for that right now.

I did the best I could. I know that. But it doesn't feel like enough tonight. I hope my presence was a comfort. I hope she was sure of my love. I hope she forgives me for the mistakes I made. I tried so hard.

And most of all, always...

I miss her so desperately.