Happy Birthday...
I'm 25 today. I thought... that the birthday deal wouldn't be all that bad regarding the Mom-factor. It's not like Christmas and all sentimentalized. I'm a big girl now so birthdays aren't that big of a deal.
But I missed Mom in all of these little ways... Dad signed her name to my birthday card... but there was this hole nonetheless. I tried not to think about her making me a favorite meal, or the kind of gift she would give me... But other things kept cropping up. Things she said that I can't remember anymore. Looks she gave people.
and to my suprise, I also very much missed Grandma. Grandma always, always, ALWAYS called for my birthday. I just kept wanting the phone to ring with her at the other end.
Last night I put together a photo album of pictures of Mom. When Dad got home I showed him. He cried, and left the house. It's the first time I've seen him cry in a long time. Maybe since right after Mom died. I felt just terrible.... I didn't want to hurt him. It was a very bad thing.
Also, I never thought about the fact that birthdays are almost as much about the Mom. All I did was get born that day 25 years ago. It was Mom who suffered through 32 hours of labor to get me here. I just wish I could share this day with her.
Mom's gone. Grandma's gone. And husband is out. I did try to have a good day anyway... I really did. And I did smile some. And laugh some. And I thoroughly enjoyed the peanut butter pie I was given today (just one piece, I promise).
But for parts of today, I couldn't help but think, "Happy frickin birthday."
That said, I'm 25. And this last year has done more to make me than any other before. Mom isn't here, Gram isn't here... and a list of so many other aren't either. And I want to live in a way to honor them all for every year that I'm able to have a birthday.
I'm trying, guys.
But I missed Mom in all of these little ways... Dad signed her name to my birthday card... but there was this hole nonetheless. I tried not to think about her making me a favorite meal, or the kind of gift she would give me... But other things kept cropping up. Things she said that I can't remember anymore. Looks she gave people.
and to my suprise, I also very much missed Grandma. Grandma always, always, ALWAYS called for my birthday. I just kept wanting the phone to ring with her at the other end.
Last night I put together a photo album of pictures of Mom. When Dad got home I showed him. He cried, and left the house. It's the first time I've seen him cry in a long time. Maybe since right after Mom died. I felt just terrible.... I didn't want to hurt him. It was a very bad thing.
Also, I never thought about the fact that birthdays are almost as much about the Mom. All I did was get born that day 25 years ago. It was Mom who suffered through 32 hours of labor to get me here. I just wish I could share this day with her.
Mom's gone. Grandma's gone. And husband is out. I did try to have a good day anyway... I really did. And I did smile some. And laugh some. And I thoroughly enjoyed the peanut butter pie I was given today (just one piece, I promise).
But for parts of today, I couldn't help but think, "Happy frickin birthday."
That said, I'm 25. And this last year has done more to make me than any other before. Mom isn't here, Gram isn't here... and a list of so many other aren't either. And I want to live in a way to honor them all for every year that I'm able to have a birthday.
I'm trying, guys.
posted by Val @ 8:55 PM
1 Comments:
At 5:52 AM,
amanda said…
Do you have some friends who also have deployed husbands? I want you to find someone to keep the kid (I don't know what branch of the military you are, but if your base has a Teen Center, they should have a list of teens who are Red Cross certified in First Aid/CPR/and babysitting--I work for Air Force Services). go out and do something fun (even if it's just going to the club for an hour or two). This is your day, and you deserve some fun. It is important to remember your mother on this day, and the photo album that you created serves as an excellent remembrance. But this is your day too, and I'd love to hear that you had a good day on it or near it...
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