IStop World, I Want to Get Off

Ok... So....

Little Pity Party. Little Stress Vent. Here I go.

When do we get a break? Since we've been married it's been one major life transition after another, one crisis after another, one death after another, one difficulty after another.

Now, Andy's Grandfather has had a heart attack. Things sound pretty dire. He has two arteries that are 75% blocked. He was advised that surgery would be very risky because of his age and the risk of a stroke. They have opted not to do surgery.

He is on Lasix to combat congestive heart failure, blood thinners, to prevent clots resulting in another attack or stroke, and morphine to relax his heart and ease his pain.

When I spoke with Gramma and her daughter on the phone and they said, "they're keeping him comfortable" the worst thoughts leapt into my mind. I've heard those words before.

I'm grateful that there is a chance that he will recover somewhat and be able to go home to hopefully be the feisty grandpa that we all love...

But this all depends on his progress in the next day or two.

As it stands, I am gathering information to make the official red cross call to my husband, should it be needed.

I am thinking about what I will need to do to get C and I to Kansas quickly should it be needed.

And I am, quite frankly, feeling pretty weary, and pretty pissed off.

If I do have to make a Red Cross call, it will be my third since the beginning of work-ups and deployment. The third for our first deployment.

If the worst happens, it will be the 4th time the worst has happened to a close family member of mine or DH's in the 2 years that we've been married.

DH feels so helpless being so far away with no way to get here... or to be connected to what is happening.

I feel so helpless knowing he hurts so.

I feel so sad for Grandpa.

I am trying to be hopeful, but... It's hard.

I am trying to be prepared, but don't want to douse my hope.

I am angry that we never get a breather.

I am trying to be mindful of all that we have to be grateful for.

I am trying to ask, "Why not us?" instead of, "Why us?"

I am trying not to be afraid of the question, "When will it stop being people close enough to us that it bores a hole into our souls, but not into our immediate family unit... and will it soon start being us?" Perhaps that seems a leap, but as I have said before... In my attempts to remember, "It could be worse..." all I can think of is, "What if it worse happens?"

We don't just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. We're seriously dodging shoes left and right, it seems.

But... Well. We still have a lot.

And when I put it in the terms of, "Gee, one heck of a lot has happened in our two years of marriage," I'm just glad God saw fit to put us together as helpmates one to the other, before we took on these trials. We could have both been going int alone, but we're doing it hand in hand (even from a world apart) and as a family. And THAT is somtehing I am most grateful for.