Don't Know what to Feel

We leave tomorrow AM for Kansas to go be with Grandpa R. I've made the Red Cross call to my husband. The doctor's report attached to his red cross message reads that Grandpa is in end stages of heart failure, has days to weeks left, and that 'the servicemember's presence is requested.' Obviously things aren't looking good.

I don't know how to feel about any of it. I feel a deep sense of weariness, and a dread at what has become a familiar routine--find out that a family member is gravely ill, stop all normal life, travel many miles, say good-bye. This is the third time in one year.

I'm trying to remember that this isn't about me. This is about Grandpa, and more about Andy's family than me. And yet, this is a loss of my own as well. Grandpa Roseberry has been one of my favorite people since he informed the family that "He had TWO sons getting married in June and he would be attending BOTH weddings" after we somewhat unexpectedly moved up our wedding to two weeks after Andy's brothers to allow for us to have extra time before our first military-induced separation. He is a special man. I don't want to lose him either.

I also feel so helpless and sad and defeated for my husband, who feels so helpless and sad and defeated at all that is going on so far away. This is the first time in all of the mess we've been through that I've heard traces of low-depression in his voice. How he manages to continue doing his job is beyond me. I worry for him. And it is SO HARD to support him in the way he needs to be supported by his wife with him an entire world away, and with only 30 minute phone conversations when he is able to break away. What do you say?

On top of that, I feel anxious about what happens once the Red Cross message reaches him. Will they send him home? Can we afford a last-minute plane ticket from Anywhere, Middle East to Podunk Kansas Airport? Who will pick him up?

I feel guilty because I've wanted to see him so badly. Sometimes I've wished for him to just come home. What if... in some cosmic cruel joke this is the way the universe is answering that wish. I want to see him, but NOT UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.

And I do feel angry that the hits just keep coming. We've had so many losses this year. So many losses since we've gotten married. So much upheaval and change and adjustment. I know life isn't fair, I know we have much to be grateful for, but isn't enough enough?

So much to think about, so much to do. I got a good bit of packing done tonight, but there will be a lot of last minute to do. And then there's putting my poor baby through another terribly long drive to thrust her into a situation full of so much emotion and stress that she won't understand. My little girl has seen more suffering, and sadness in her 9 months of life than many people see in one decade. I know I'm supposed to assume that she's 'oblivious' but I also know that it's hard on her.

And... It seems like... more and more of her past... her roots... the people who made us, who impacted us... are slipping away. And that seems so unfair. She lost her Daddy's Daddy and both of my grandparents before she was born, then my Mom, and now... well... I'm still praying for a miracle, I guess. I can't go too far into that statement.

So... Things are hard here. And I guess I just needed to write it out.