Emotions Epiphany

I was chatting with my friend, Ronjour, the other night... and talking about one of my latest discoveries about grief (might blog about that later). But he said something that really struck me.

"...but if we saw how emotions come from God, maybe we'd reach a depth in our
emotions, and maybe more so, we'd reach a depth in our intamacy with God."

It kind of smacked me between the eyes a bit. I blinked and said.... "Hmmm... I think there's something to that."

You see, despite the fact that I can write about my emotions here, I'm really pretty sucky at actually letting myself feel them. I cerebralize most things. The beginning of the feeling comes--enough so that I can verbalize it and think about it... but the experience of that feeling may never fully happen.

I think one of the things about dealing with cancer, and dealing with grief is that there are so many huge things to feel your way through. There are emotions that don't make any sense... there are emotions that make you feel guilty and terrible. There are emotions that are so big that it's scary to even start down the road of feeling them for the fear that you will be swept away in torrents.

I somehow feel, even though I know it to be a lie, that I have to be doing 'ok' for myself to be acceptable to anyone... God, friends, family. In addition, I fear not being able to fully function if I give myself over to these feelings that are so powerful. I'm doing a lot of juggling at present... And I'm afraid I'll drop all my balls if I pause for emoting purposes. And admittedly, I'm unsure of what may be on the other side. I'm afraid I'll get stuck.

Anyway, Ronjour's wisdom makes me reconsider my putting off and/or stuffing my emotions.
I realize that I am cheating myself by not allowing myself to be fully in my them. I'm cheating myself from really stepping into the fullness of me, and the fullness of trusting God, and I am cheating myself from more deeply coming to know the maker of my feelings, the author of the very concept of emotions--who is Himself no stranger to immense highs, and deep lows.

That being the case, I think I might be a while in really learning how to give myself over to what I'm feeling in full abandon and trust that I will come through on the other side unscathed--and trust as well that those who may witness this will not feel I have burdened them. I'm still looking for my safe place. I'm hoping that one of those safe places will come back on a boat this spring. I'm learning though. I'm getting there. Epiphanies are good. But I'm still on the journey.