New Year

If you've read any of the last few blogs, you know that I'm not feeling particularly shiny or happy as of late. Not that I'm down and out. I just feel a little beat up is all, and I'm sure I'll bounce back shortly.

I've been thinking though about the New Year. In my gloom-glut mood, my thoughts revolved mainly around just longing for tomorrow to be over with. I want a new year... This one has frankly been terrible. I want a clean slate. I'm afraid of what will show up on said clean slate at times... because Lord knows I didn't expect the pile of crud on this year's. So... I'm cautiously excited about this new year concept.

On top of that, the mere thought of Andy coming home this year... in the beginning part rather than the end, is enough to make me smile. The idea of his return is becoming more real. It's an odd feeling to have moments of thinking, "Oh yeah! my husband really is real! And in a couple of months I'll remember what his face looks like and be able to touch him!"

So in general, I've been having some, "Light at the end of the tunnel" feelings. In fact, I wrote about that to Andy, and said,

"This morning, it feels like there's a light at the end of the tunnel... I'm just not sure what's on the other side of it. It's funny. They don't tell you that about the said proverbial tunnel. It's supposed to be joy and relief when you see that light and finally come to the other side. What they don't tell you is that it can be scary as hell to step into the light of day, look life square in the eye, and say, 'Ok. What next?'"

So I have these feelings of wanting to flush 2005 down the toilet and run headlong into 2006. With a healthy dose of anxiety mixed in there as well.

And then I talked to my dear friend Kasey tonight. And she made me rethink my whole approach. She is battling lung cancer herself, and she said that every morning that she wakes up beside her husband is like a Happy New Year. They don't need a Dec. 31.

I want to get there. To embracing each new day as a gift. I've gotten closer this year. My priorities are straighter than they've ever been before. But I want to execute the living of life a little better. I think of what Kasey said and part of me says, "But my husband is on the other side of the world." I have to remember that he is still WITH ME. And besides, waking up with Carolyn or Dad, or the even just the cat in my life... That is something. I shouldn't gloss over it. I shouldn't ignore it. I need to get back to my gratefulness.

So I do want to celebrate the dawn of 2006 on Sunday, but I also want to celebrate the dawn of day 2 of 2006, and day 3, and day 4.... I want to be cognizant of the fact that even though things hurt.... and even though sometimes I feel like a 2000 lb. lead weight trying to drag through the day that there are gifts to look at. There is work to do. There are folks to love.

Happy New Year, all. Every day.