Unbelievable.
I am SO DONE.
Andy's sister-in-law calls me today. Just chats in general for a while and then asks if I'd heard about Andy's Grandma--his Mom's Mom this time. No? Oh...
She's in the hospital. They called 911 last night and rushed her there because she was having chest pains.
This morning the thought was that it was simply angina. This afternoon it seemed there was more to it than that. Because she's in a podunk little town hospital they can't run tests until tomorrow. The possibilities today were heart attack, pulmonary embolism, or really bizarre indigestion. I'm hoping for the indigestion, but my sister-in-law feels that it's very unlikely.
I'm really praying this all... turns a corner, and Grandma W. is ok. Not only do I hate that Grandma is going through this, but I don't know if I can take anymore. This, by the way, is the third Thursday in a row that someone affiliated with our family has had a chest pain related incident. Three weeks ago it as Andy's grandpa. The day before his funeral--last Thursday, my sister-in-law's father had a heart attack as well, and now this.
On top of that, I called my own Gramma today and found that she wasn't doing well at all. There's nothing specific wrong with her, but she sounded worse than I've heard her in quite some time, and my aunt who is visiting was very worried.
I'm ready to put out an all points bulletin to all of my friends and family to beware.
And the truth is, I'm starting to feel rather pissed off about it all. I really am.
Not so much just because of what's happening in our family, but because of suffering and pain I see so many places right now. Hospice has been called in for several of my close friends on my lung cancer message board. I just keep reading of all of this sickness and pain and imminent death, and I look at what our family has been through this year: The loss of my Grandma W. in February, the loss of my mother, the loss of Grandpa Roseberry... it all just seems so unfair, and I want to shake life by the shoulders an demand an answer. I'm not afraid to be angry with God about things, but I don't want to be angry at him over this. It seems easier to just keep my anger aimed at a vague entity called, "Sucky parts of life."
I'm to the point of just waking up in the morning and saying, "What's next? Bring it on!" But I'm scared of what the answer will be.
I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm done. Enough is enough. This has got to end.
Andy's sister-in-law calls me today. Just chats in general for a while and then asks if I'd heard about Andy's Grandma--his Mom's Mom this time. No? Oh...
She's in the hospital. They called 911 last night and rushed her there because she was having chest pains.
This morning the thought was that it was simply angina. This afternoon it seemed there was more to it than that. Because she's in a podunk little town hospital they can't run tests until tomorrow. The possibilities today were heart attack, pulmonary embolism, or really bizarre indigestion. I'm hoping for the indigestion, but my sister-in-law feels that it's very unlikely.
I'm really praying this all... turns a corner, and Grandma W. is ok. Not only do I hate that Grandma is going through this, but I don't know if I can take anymore. This, by the way, is the third Thursday in a row that someone affiliated with our family has had a chest pain related incident. Three weeks ago it as Andy's grandpa. The day before his funeral--last Thursday, my sister-in-law's father had a heart attack as well, and now this.
On top of that, I called my own Gramma today and found that she wasn't doing well at all. There's nothing specific wrong with her, but she sounded worse than I've heard her in quite some time, and my aunt who is visiting was very worried.
I'm ready to put out an all points bulletin to all of my friends and family to beware.
And the truth is, I'm starting to feel rather pissed off about it all. I really am.
Not so much just because of what's happening in our family, but because of suffering and pain I see so many places right now. Hospice has been called in for several of my close friends on my lung cancer message board. I just keep reading of all of this sickness and pain and imminent death, and I look at what our family has been through this year: The loss of my Grandma W. in February, the loss of my mother, the loss of Grandpa Roseberry... it all just seems so unfair, and I want to shake life by the shoulders an demand an answer. I'm not afraid to be angry with God about things, but I don't want to be angry at him over this. It seems easier to just keep my anger aimed at a vague entity called, "Sucky parts of life."
I'm to the point of just waking up in the morning and saying, "What's next? Bring it on!" But I'm scared of what the answer will be.
I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm done. Enough is enough. This has got to end.
posted by Val @ 6:44 PM
2 Comments:
At 4:22 AM,
amanda said…
val, i don't know what to say. it is unbelievable. here's my e-mail, please write me if you need somewhere to vent other than here.
At 6:57 PM,
Minerva said…
Oh Val - you poor poor darling...
It just isn't fair, is it? You need to talk about this and not just to people here but to a counsellor or someone - please? Just for me? Because, oh hell, I don't know, because I care, because I don't want to see you go off the deep end, because you need to be there for your family - a whole plethora of reasons but you MUST talk...
Grief is hell to deal with anyway - grief in the quantity that you are having to deal with at the moment is really really tough...
Please, promise me you will go and talk to someone and EMAIL me when you have otherwise I will seriously track you down and send a counsellor to your house...
I really like you, I feel for you although I have no idea what it is like to be in your head right now, and I will do anything to help...
Email me if you need to... please - the email is on my profile...
Minerva
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