Taking Down the Tree

I took down the Christmas Tree today, and I can't entirely explain why.... but it felt like I was burying Mom all over again. I guess it was maybe because it was all of HER ornaments I was taking down. And each one I touched brought back a memory--of Christmases when I was little, or putting up the tree with Mom (that was always OUR thing to do)... There was the ornament with the photo of the house that Mom grew up in that she cherished, and the crystal egg ornament that she loved so much... all the little wooden ornaments that we've hung since I was little.... Each one I took down, and put away and couldn't look at again. And it just made me feel like I was losing her all over.

It's been a tough couple of days inside my head. Outside of it, I'm doing very well, but inside different things are hitting pretty hard. Last night, I lay in bed for a long time thinking about Mom's last few days--little things about that time... Moments that she looked at Daddy and I could tell he was still her sweetheart, and moments when she called me by my aunt's name instead of mine... I thought of all the music I put in and listened to with her after the confusion had taken over and she wasn't able to verbalize anymore. I was just so hoping that the HER part of her still heard. I thought of her hands... and holding them, and the way her fingernails always looked... Just so many difficult things to remember. And they all sting just as much.

The thing is... I DO think I'm 'doing better.' But I don't really 'feel' better. All the grief I feel is every bit as bitter and intense as it was in the beginning and as it began to sink in. It's just... I don't live in it as constantly. It's always there... but I'm not always looking at it.