Mom Connection

So I'm having a baby soon. Even if Mom didn't have cancer I know I would be musing right now at how deep the mother/daughter connection is. I was thinking today of a poem Mom had out by the front door--was probably in my nursery to begin with--that said,

"I hope when my children look back on today
They'll remember their parents took time out to play
So quiet down cobwebs
Dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby
And baby's don't keep."

I want that placard to put up in our nursery (whichever state it may be in).

I know that when the baby gets here and I'm trying to figure things out that the thought, "How did Mom do this?" will go through my head over and over again. The baby will be coming home in an outfit that Mom picked out, and in the blanket I came home from the hospital in. And there are other ways that are still a secret for right now that we will be trying to honor her and her impact on her lives when baby gets here.

It's so deep... I feel Mom every day. I think Mom thoughts every day. When I came home from my last doctor's appointment musing that I was glad I'd found a doctor with small hands it was Mom I wanted to share that with. (hehe)

Mom gave me the mindset that I feel bubbling up in me as I start this journey. It's this feeling that... No... I'm not going to do everything right... and I probably would shock the writers of the bazillion books I'm reading by some of the things I will choose to do, but I am going to love my baby and do right by her. That is a spirit that came from my imperfect but wonderful mom.

I guess in some ways it is a comfort. If this dread disease wins (and we're not planning on letting it), that will be one way Mom will always be with me. But some days... and this is reflected in my phone call post... it hurts because it just feels like I can't get to her. And it makes me sad... and makes me mad.

Again... maybe this is something that will be improved when I am living close to them again. I don't know. I hope so. And maybe once we get through some of this chemo, Mom will have some better days where we'll be able to talk like we used to. I hope so. I pray so.