1-2-05

The New Year is here. Want to know a secret? I feel neither happy, nor excited about it. I feel scared spitless. I know it's not having my game face on, but I really worry about what the year will bring for mom. I PRAY it brings relief of pain and progress against this demon of a disease... but I fear other things that I don't even want to substantiate by putting them down in print.

I'm overwhelmed in so many ways... by the coming of the baby, by impending separations from Andy, the logistics of figuring out what to do when our lease is up and where exactly I'll live. I'm worried about the timing. It seems a wonderful plan to go back to Mom and Dad's for longer Dets. and Andy's deployment... but what if those things come too late? What if things move really quickly and I need to be back even before the baby is born and can't be because of travel restrictions?

The other night I started thinking about going into labor and imagined myself just wanting my mom... Gosh that made me cry. I so wish she could be here to greet her grand-daughter as she enters the world... and to do the 'mom stuff' that mom's do when their daughters have babies... but I will make it through without that. I'm so thankful for our doula.
Due to a post on the support board for lung cancer survivors and family members, I've also begun thinking about Insurance. I wonder if mom and dad are sticking to treatment at in their smaller hospital because Insurance stipulates that. I wonder if a second opinion should be sought, and I wonder if more agressive treatment should be pursued. I want to use whatever weapons are out there to FIGHT to have my Mom here with me and dad and her grand-daughter as long as possible.

So then, I started researching Insurance and Health Care policies and now I'm going... "Holy crap! The politicians are right! We're in the midst of a crisis!" I'm wondering how I can advocate for the right decisions to be made for health care, but I'm not sure what they are... Rationing care certainly doesn't seem to be in favor of lung cancer patients though... so I'm definitely not for that, though it appears that is what the trend is covertly these days, at least according to one man's take on the situation. I woke up over and over again last night... in a sleepless stupor trying to figure out a solution to health care in America.... Hehehe...

I don't know how to get to mom long term... how the logistics will work out for me to be there... when I should go. Our lease is up in April, I'm planning on moving to be near them... what do we do in the interim time?
I keep rapid-fire letting out thoughts here. Wonder if this will be a place for brain dumps about this stuff, or if I'll ever organize my thoughts? I hope the latter happens eventually.

So... I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'm tired. I'm going to bed. The thoughts will roll around to be captured here another day.