1-28-2005

So I'm pissed off tonight at people who take advantage of folks in my parent's position. I've been reading up about this Supplement stuff that Vern and Linda are trying to sell Mom and Dad on. It's supposed to help MS, ADD/ADHD, cancer, etc. etc. They tell one thing to patients and another to stockholders about safety and effectiveness. It sounds to me like it's snake oil.

And what disturbs me almost as much is that Dad is seriously looking into getting it. I feel like they're going to be taken advantage of. I'm pretty sure it won't hurt anything, but I'm also pretty sure it won't help anything. It's just a damn money scheme as far as I can tell... With Christian leanings...

They need to save money now so they can pay for treatments...
And it's VERN AND LINDA selling the snake oil. It's great and wonderful if Linda believes that this stuff has helped her, but to jump immediately into peddling this shit to Mom and Dad when they found out Mom had cancer. That's just low and despicable to me. And freaking rude. How about just being there to support them. Isn't that what family is supposed to do?

Talking to Daddy tonight was hard... He's so down. He so wants to 'fix' this stuff. He wants mom to not have cancer. He wants to be able to get her to eat. He wants to make the pain go away. He can't, of course, and feel so helpless. And people are always offering up their 'fix it solutions' too. "Eat Orange Foods." "Supplements." blahblahblah... I wish I could be there and here. I really do. I need to be with Andy now, but... I just wish I could be there to help Daddy. He needs a place to vent and he needs help doing what all needs done there. He doesn't have many chances to get away from stuff.

As for me, I'm feeling really depressed the last few days. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything. By figuring out how to have time with Andy. Wondering if he'll be here when the baby is born. Wanting to give him as much time as I can with baby C, but wanting to get back to Mom too. And I'm sick. I'm freaking sick and can't hear. I can't HEAR!!! It's so irritating. I have this constant ringing in my ears, but can't hear Andy if he talks to me from another room, or says something when he's not facing me. I've been sick for so freaking long and to have that as a constant on top of all the other stuff that is so hard just really SUCKS! I just feel so worn down. I feel like I can't face the basic tasks in front of me, including getting ready for baby to get here. Thank you cards and simple cleaning are more than I can muster.

I feel so isolated in this. My friends don't want to ask about it, and damn it, I won't say a word unless they do. The support groups that I have for different things can't possible understand everything. The household six ladies might understand my feeling sad over deployments and time away from Andy, but they can't understand stuff with my mom. The cancer people might understand about how I feel about mom being sick, but they can't understand the impending deployment feeling. People can and do sympathize with pregnancy and sick difficulties... but have they tried those on top of having a seriously ill, and in pain mother, and a husband about to be away from you and his daughter for a year?

And I need people to realize that life for me isn't normal right now. That... I might be limping through. That it might be hard to just glow about the baby coming because so many other things are happening too. I need to know that it is ok with people for me to be sad. I just feel like... I have to try to maintain 'ok.'

And I just feel sad... I just do. Sad and down. And lonely.