Being Made...1-27-2005
This is a post I made on the Brennan Board which I guess I shouldn't have.... But I thought the thoughts were valid and good, so I wanted to keep them here.
Being Made
You ask what made me? I think, it is more that I am being made. The nails are being driven in to put this woman together right now. What I see behind me are loving parents, the foundations of a faith laid down, random memories of ice cream and dusks where I found myself in a pile of kids laughing and gasping for air after an evening of running. But now is different. I think now some of the I-beams are being laid.
I look at what I am living right now, and know that the story is not so extraordinary.... but I don't think it is 'normal, everyday life' either. I am overwhelmed by the things I am surrounded by, and yet... at the same time I feel so blessed.
I think... maybe... ten years from now if you ask me this question, I'll look back at this time. I'll think about being a newlywed and adjusting to life as a Navy wife... I'll think about my Mom being sick, and my having to balance hope and reality as we deal with the starkness that is Stage IV lung cancer. I'll think of the wonder and difficulty and fatigue involved in carrying my first child. I'll think about worrying about my husband not being able to be with me as this baby comes into the world--Maybe I'll look back on the gratitude of him being there, or the strength I didn't know I had in laboring without him. I'll think about how hard it was to anticipate him leaving for a month just days after his daughter is born, and my leaving him to be with my mother so soon after her birth too. My 'first deployment' (yep that's coming too) memories will be so different than those ladies who get to wave goodbye to their husbands at the pier--fuller, I think as I know I have a place to be and tasks to do in caring for my daughter and my mom. I think I'll know more about making sacrifices as a result of the year facing me. Heck, I might remember being absolutely miserable with one sickness after another for three full months of my pregnancy too, but I bet it won't be the stuff I look back on as something that 'made me.'
I hope I'll come out of all of this with a better understanding of the goodness and mercy of God. I hope my marriage will be stronger and that the appreciation of my family and those I love in the NOW will be one of my core values. I hope I'll be made of sterner stuff and softer heart. I also hope I'll look back on myself at this point with gentleness... and with gratefulness to Him who is making me.Maybe those aren't little things... but life right now is full of little things that make up these things that seem so very big. Phone calls to my mom... the time I spent with her and dad on my trip last week. The hug I gave mom when I FINALLY got home after flights from hell. Moments where I HAVE to touch my husband just to know he is still near for now.... Laughing, and being so grateful to still be able to. Crying, and being so thankful to have my husband to hold me and his daughter in my belly... and our musings at how hard it is to hug with her in the middle there. So... I can't tell you what made me yet... but I think I'll have a better answer once I'm through living these chapters.
~~More for tonight~~
Going back to visit Mom and Dad really did me some good, and I hope did them some good too. I feel a little better most of the time about being back here and not there just yet. While I was there I think I realized that I needed this time with Andy, and I need any little bit of time Andy can have to be with his daughter.
That is the thing that is ripping me up most about all that is happening this year... The lack of time Andy will have with Baby C. after she gets here. It was looking like a matter of weeks as it was. Now, we have this impending month long det. not too long after she arrives (Depending on when she arrrives). It'll be down to days if I'm going to make it out by April. If I don't go then... well, I just don't know. Maybe I'll fly out the last part of that det. and fly back to see Andy some more. But that leaves questions about what is happening with the apartment at that time. I still just don't know how this is all going to fall into place. Andy is working with his chain of command to try to skip that Det... and I'm hopeful, but that makes me worry too because I'm afraid that them showing him leniency now, might mean less leniency later. I'm afraid he'll get a name for himself as a guy who asks too much because of his family.
I think I am plugging along ok with all that is on my plate right now. But, sometimes I just really want people to know that it's HARD. I want them to get that this isn't a normal pregnancy. It isn't a normal gearing up for deployment/separation. Things are just all so multi-faceted right now.
I don't even want to think about packing... Eesh. Yuck. I feel awful now... after the baby comes how will I ever have the gumption to pack. Maybe we need to be packing up now. I guess we need to figure out when I'm leaivng and when we're vacating officially, though.
Being Made
You ask what made me? I think, it is more that I am being made. The nails are being driven in to put this woman together right now. What I see behind me are loving parents, the foundations of a faith laid down, random memories of ice cream and dusks where I found myself in a pile of kids laughing and gasping for air after an evening of running. But now is different. I think now some of the I-beams are being laid.
I look at what I am living right now, and know that the story is not so extraordinary.... but I don't think it is 'normal, everyday life' either. I am overwhelmed by the things I am surrounded by, and yet... at the same time I feel so blessed.
I think... maybe... ten years from now if you ask me this question, I'll look back at this time. I'll think about being a newlywed and adjusting to life as a Navy wife... I'll think about my Mom being sick, and my having to balance hope and reality as we deal with the starkness that is Stage IV lung cancer. I'll think of the wonder and difficulty and fatigue involved in carrying my first child. I'll think about worrying about my husband not being able to be with me as this baby comes into the world--Maybe I'll look back on the gratitude of him being there, or the strength I didn't know I had in laboring without him. I'll think about how hard it was to anticipate him leaving for a month just days after his daughter is born, and my leaving him to be with my mother so soon after her birth too. My 'first deployment' (yep that's coming too) memories will be so different than those ladies who get to wave goodbye to their husbands at the pier--fuller, I think as I know I have a place to be and tasks to do in caring for my daughter and my mom. I think I'll know more about making sacrifices as a result of the year facing me. Heck, I might remember being absolutely miserable with one sickness after another for three full months of my pregnancy too, but I bet it won't be the stuff I look back on as something that 'made me.'
I hope I'll come out of all of this with a better understanding of the goodness and mercy of God. I hope my marriage will be stronger and that the appreciation of my family and those I love in the NOW will be one of my core values. I hope I'll be made of sterner stuff and softer heart. I also hope I'll look back on myself at this point with gentleness... and with gratefulness to Him who is making me.Maybe those aren't little things... but life right now is full of little things that make up these things that seem so very big. Phone calls to my mom... the time I spent with her and dad on my trip last week. The hug I gave mom when I FINALLY got home after flights from hell. Moments where I HAVE to touch my husband just to know he is still near for now.... Laughing, and being so grateful to still be able to. Crying, and being so thankful to have my husband to hold me and his daughter in my belly... and our musings at how hard it is to hug with her in the middle there. So... I can't tell you what made me yet... but I think I'll have a better answer once I'm through living these chapters.
~~More for tonight~~
Going back to visit Mom and Dad really did me some good, and I hope did them some good too. I feel a little better most of the time about being back here and not there just yet. While I was there I think I realized that I needed this time with Andy, and I need any little bit of time Andy can have to be with his daughter.
That is the thing that is ripping me up most about all that is happening this year... The lack of time Andy will have with Baby C. after she gets here. It was looking like a matter of weeks as it was. Now, we have this impending month long det. not too long after she arrives (Depending on when she arrrives). It'll be down to days if I'm going to make it out by April. If I don't go then... well, I just don't know. Maybe I'll fly out the last part of that det. and fly back to see Andy some more. But that leaves questions about what is happening with the apartment at that time. I still just don't know how this is all going to fall into place. Andy is working with his chain of command to try to skip that Det... and I'm hopeful, but that makes me worry too because I'm afraid that them showing him leniency now, might mean less leniency later. I'm afraid he'll get a name for himself as a guy who asks too much because of his family.
I think I am plugging along ok with all that is on my plate right now. But, sometimes I just really want people to know that it's HARD. I want them to get that this isn't a normal pregnancy. It isn't a normal gearing up for deployment/separation. Things are just all so multi-faceted right now.
I don't even want to think about packing... Eesh. Yuck. I feel awful now... after the baby comes how will I ever have the gumption to pack. Maybe we need to be packing up now. I guess we need to figure out when I'm leaivng and when we're vacating officially, though.
posted by Val @ 7:56 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home