What a Year...
A year ago my Gramma died....
It's just been such a hellish year. It really has. And that day a year ago was tremendously terrible... I was 39 weeks pregnant... knew Gramma was going to die that day... not sure whether to drive to Idaho or not... dealing with the Navy and the Red Cross so husband and I could leave to go to her...Mom was sick, and I knew that a lot of responsibility would fall on her and Dad for the funeral back in Illinois.... It was a terrible day.
I miss my Gramma. I've missed her at strange times especially lately. I missed her on my birthday when the phone didn't ring. I missed her on Valentine's Day when there was no card in the mail from her. I hate that she just missed being here for Carolyn's birthday by 2 weeks.
And then Mom's illness... and watching her suffer through days that just got worse and worse. So many people say, "Good days and Bad days" in reference to living with cancer. And indeed, I would say that when I had my public face on about Mom. But really her days just got worse and worse.
And then she was gone.
Things have been hurting a lot lately. Everything has really. I think the stress of the last year has just snowballed and is finally catching up to me--or maybe the last eighteen months, or two years.... I don't even know when this block of difficulty all started...
I'm just very tired.... I'm missing my Mom and my Grandparents. I feel like a huge part of my history has just been ripped away. Both of Mom's parents, and then Mom. What a gaping hole is left in my life... What tremendous people Carolyn will never know. And some days I don't know if I'm up to the task of living in a way that will give her a glimpse of their greatness...
But I will try.
I'm ready for the 'hard stuff' to end. I hope we have some rest time soon.
It's just been such a hellish year. It really has. And that day a year ago was tremendously terrible... I was 39 weeks pregnant... knew Gramma was going to die that day... not sure whether to drive to Idaho or not... dealing with the Navy and the Red Cross so husband and I could leave to go to her...Mom was sick, and I knew that a lot of responsibility would fall on her and Dad for the funeral back in Illinois.... It was a terrible day.
I miss my Gramma. I've missed her at strange times especially lately. I missed her on my birthday when the phone didn't ring. I missed her on Valentine's Day when there was no card in the mail from her. I hate that she just missed being here for Carolyn's birthday by 2 weeks.
And then Mom's illness... and watching her suffer through days that just got worse and worse. So many people say, "Good days and Bad days" in reference to living with cancer. And indeed, I would say that when I had my public face on about Mom. But really her days just got worse and worse.
And then she was gone.
Things have been hurting a lot lately. Everything has really. I think the stress of the last year has just snowballed and is finally catching up to me--or maybe the last eighteen months, or two years.... I don't even know when this block of difficulty all started...
I'm just very tired.... I'm missing my Mom and my Grandparents. I feel like a huge part of my history has just been ripped away. Both of Mom's parents, and then Mom. What a gaping hole is left in my life... What tremendous people Carolyn will never know. And some days I don't know if I'm up to the task of living in a way that will give her a glimpse of their greatness...
But I will try.
I'm ready for the 'hard stuff' to end. I hope we have some rest time soon.
posted by Val @ 8:48 PM
3 Comments:
At 11:32 AM,
MacGirl said…
I hope you have rest soon too. I love you.
At 8:04 PM,
Beverly said…
I have stopped by your blog several times. My heart aches for you in the losses that you have known in the past two years. I will continue to pray for you that you may know His comfort.
At 12:05 PM,
Tracie said…
I talked to my therapist about missing my Grandpop and feeling sad that my kids will never get to meet such a wonderful person. He told me that his wife talks about her deceased father so often that their kids comment that they feel like they know him even though they haven't met him. That made me feel really encouraged that people we love can really live on in our memories and the stories we share with others.
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