No Longer Invincible

So the thing about having a close family member battle cancer is that suddenly you realize that you're "It won't happen to us" mindset is shattered.

I am suddenly extremely aware of the fact that any moment anyone I love could be diagnosed. And the myriads of friends and family that have had new developments in their lives as a result of cancer only reinforces that.

And then there's me.... It could happen to me too.

I've had days when I wanted to call the doctor and say--so... How about a CT Scan just for fun?

Every little symptom, every bump, every lump... leads to worry and wondering.

I'm sure that my doctors will think I am a crazy hypochondriac from here on out, if they didn't already. "No Mrs. Roseberry I really don't think you're hangnail is reason enough to do a PET scan."

My Mom was one of seven kids. Of those seven 4 have had some type of cancer--the kinds are as many and varied as are the geographic regions in which the siblings chose to live.

Mom had at least two uncles who suffered with Lung Cancer.

My grandfather died of colon cancer.

(With genes like that it's hard not to think, "It ain't looking good, honey!")

I think of my husband and wonder what I would do if he were diagnosed.

I see St. Jude commercials on t.v. with beautiful bald-headed, big eyed children and a shiver of fear comes over me when I think of Carolyn.

I know now, without a doubt this CAN happen to me.

And it terrifies me.

It's not just cancer either. Car accidents, heart attacks, strike by random beer truck--it occurs to me that all of these could become a reality in my world. And I never forget that my husband is away doing a dangerous job. The somebody else that these things happen to in stories and on the news... could someday be me. Could today be me.

Sometimes when I think of the five day cross country trip I'm facing next month and all the things that could go wrong I can hardly breathe.

It's really terrifying sometimes. Enough to keep me awake at night for decades to come.

But... if I look only at those fears I get nowhere. I have to look past them. I have to see what it means that I'm not immune from having terrible things happen.

I have to see that I can't take time with my family for granted. I have to say I love you now. I have to fully taste my hot fudge sundae (in moderation). I have to go sledding with Carolyn and squeal in delight at the cold feel of snow on my face.

And I better watch out for beer trucks.

Turns out there's a flip side to fear.