Anxious
Maybe it's just that I've been so focused on the little one that I've forgotten to be anxious, and now I've remembered.... I'm not sure, but I find myself very worried about Mom again.
She hasn't had very many good days. In fact, she's had a lot of downright crappy ones. They don't seem to be directly correlated to the chemo either. Her blood counts are all screwy--especially her platelets. Her platelet count was low enough last week that they couldn't do chemo, but high enough that they couldn't give her a transfusion..... So she had to just sit and wait (and feel lousy).
I'm scared though... I'm scared that time will run out faster than any of us anticipated. I'm scared that Carolyn and I will be late getting to her, or that once we get there things will go really fast. I'm scared that when I do get there I won't have the energy to do the mommy thing and pitch in and help with Mom.
Mom is getting another CT Scan today. I'm anxious about that too. I'm especially anxious given that she hs been feeling so poorly. She's also had pain in her shoulder again.... What does this mean? What will the scans show us this time around?
I don't like the thought of losing my Mom to this monster. In fact, I hate it. I try so hard to be hopeful... but the whatifness of that possibility makes it hard to swallow around the lump of fear in my throat when I look towards the future. I want Mom around to see Carolyn grow up. How much will she see of my baby's life?
I'm just scared. Really scared.
On a lighter note... I love my daughter so very much. My internet friend, "Red" mentioned the other day that with her son she experienced these overwhelming feelings of love that would just catch her off guard. The last two days have been full of that. The only way I can describe it is that it's like this sock in the stomach... I can't breathe all of a sudden because I'm so overwhelmed by love of this little person. It's so unreal to me that she is experiencing this world for the first time. We went to the beach the other day (first time at the beach!) and a dog ran by, and I said, "Carolyn. That's a dog." Then I stopped... Who remembers the first time they saw a dog and learned--That furry thing that walks around on four legs instead of two and likes to lick stuff is a DOG. Granted she's not developmentally to a place where she is identifying things in such a way... but the fact that EVERYTHING is brand new to her is astounding. And by the way, I'm in love.
She hasn't had very many good days. In fact, she's had a lot of downright crappy ones. They don't seem to be directly correlated to the chemo either. Her blood counts are all screwy--especially her platelets. Her platelet count was low enough last week that they couldn't do chemo, but high enough that they couldn't give her a transfusion..... So she had to just sit and wait (and feel lousy).
I'm scared though... I'm scared that time will run out faster than any of us anticipated. I'm scared that Carolyn and I will be late getting to her, or that once we get there things will go really fast. I'm scared that when I do get there I won't have the energy to do the mommy thing and pitch in and help with Mom.
Mom is getting another CT Scan today. I'm anxious about that too. I'm especially anxious given that she hs been feeling so poorly. She's also had pain in her shoulder again.... What does this mean? What will the scans show us this time around?
I don't like the thought of losing my Mom to this monster. In fact, I hate it. I try so hard to be hopeful... but the whatifness of that possibility makes it hard to swallow around the lump of fear in my throat when I look towards the future. I want Mom around to see Carolyn grow up. How much will she see of my baby's life?
I'm just scared. Really scared.
On a lighter note... I love my daughter so very much. My internet friend, "Red" mentioned the other day that with her son she experienced these overwhelming feelings of love that would just catch her off guard. The last two days have been full of that. The only way I can describe it is that it's like this sock in the stomach... I can't breathe all of a sudden because I'm so overwhelmed by love of this little person. It's so unreal to me that she is experiencing this world for the first time. We went to the beach the other day (first time at the beach!) and a dog ran by, and I said, "Carolyn. That's a dog." Then I stopped... Who remembers the first time they saw a dog and learned--That furry thing that walks around on four legs instead of two and likes to lick stuff is a DOG. Granted she's not developmentally to a place where she is identifying things in such a way... but the fact that EVERYTHING is brand new to her is astounding. And by the way, I'm in love.
posted by Val @ 2:00 PM
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