Emoting

So my big question lately is... How do I healthily feel and have my emotions?

It has been hitting me over and over lately that rather than feeling the emotions that happen with Mom having cancer, having a baby, losing Gram, and getting ready to be away from my husband for quite a while... well rather than feeling them, I've been not feeling them. My basic stragegy is usually, "Walk through the day." So I do. But I put emphasis on walking and not being.

I can't figure out what it looks like to healthily emote. Taking the luxury of maybe crying or feeling over some things or not being businesslike, or even upbeat, seems like wallowing. But I logically know that it isn't wallowing.

I know that one of the paradoxes of life is that in order to feel joy you must also feel pain. I know that by settling for 'false perky' and 'down to business' I rob myself of both (Surely even pain can be a priveledge). But I can't figure out how to really feel anything.

I can prepare. That's doable. I can get tasks X, Y, and Z done and talk about and retalk about the strategy for executing this, this, and this in 'dealing.'

I can clean (though I hate it), and do menial necessary tasks just so I know for sure that I am still 'walking through things.'

I can even Veg. Sometimes I veg to the exclusion of menial necessary tasks to numb out from things.

But I can't figure out what having healthy feelings... Going through the emotions.... Looks like. How do I let myself feel sad without getting stuck in self-pity? How do I get angry without getting stuck in a place that leads to bitterness that will be corrosive to my spirit? How do I deal with the outrageous jealousy, annoyance, and snippiness that comes from dealing with others in this process without getting stuck there and even being 'bitchy?'

I wish there were a class for this.