12:44

It's 12:44 a.m. and here I am still awake. I've been struggling with insomnia lately... Maybe it's caffeine, though I didn't even get through half of my can of Coke tonight. I am more apt to suspect it's the events of the last couple of weeks, and the events of the last couple of years keeping me up. Those are the tapes that are playing in my head when I wish I was sleeping.

Tonight, to tire myself, I read through all the entries of this blog. I started it in February of 2005... Here it is May of 2006. The days, and months mean nothing to me. I move through them in chronology, but I'm not entirely sure what timeline the rest of me is on.

The calendar tells me my Mom has been dead for 10 months. I don't believe that. The pain of missing her feels fresh... and the thought of that much time being gone feels like another knife stabbing at the wound.

My husband came and went several times in the lifespan of this blog. My daughter was born, and is now walking and saying new words... She's a toddler now. I split time between Washington and Illinois. And time is split between, "When Mom was here." and "Now that she's not."

I Wish I could say that I want life to go back to what it was, but I don't know when I would go back to. It's been a whirlwind since I got married, but I wouldn't wish my marriage away. I wish I was out of the whirlwind, but I will never be completely out. I will always carry with me some of the pain of the last years.

I have healed some. I am reluctant to admit it because in admitting that, it feels as though I let go of my Mom.

It's also hard to heal though when new blows keep coming. Somehow, I think I still am.

I'm still walking. I am. I'm still raising a beautiful, happy little girl. I'm still being a Navy wife rolling with life's punches and my husband's crazy schedule. I'm investigating new leanings and directions that have come about as a result of this year. I still am. I still go on.

But at 12:51, I sure wish I could also be asleep.